– I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
– Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
– Take my advice — I’m not using it.
– My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
– Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
– If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
– A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
– Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
– When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
– My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
– He who laughs last thinks slowest.
– Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
– Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
– I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
– I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
– I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
– Money is the root of all wealth.
– No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.